70+ Reasons Why 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' Belongs In A Trash Compactor

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The thing is, I liked Episode 7. It was a good, safe, fun movie. But I hated Star Wars: The Last Jedi on a visceral level. A level I haven't hated a film on in a long time.

The weirdest thing about my viewing experience versus a lot of other people's is that many people in my cinema seemed also to hate the film. People were heckling, the young kid next to me literally had his head in his hands, and the girl on the other side of my companion Aron was rubbing her temples at barely the halfway point.

No one was having fun, is what I'm saying.

So I've compiled a list of reasons for why that might have been. Enjoy.

Oh, and spoilers. Obviously.


Why didn’t Snoke know Kylo was going to kill him

Who was Snoke

How did the First Order come into power

Didn’t the rebels win

Why is the thirty years between both trilogies more interesting than the actual new trilogy

Why did Rey not try to negotiate with Kylo over terms to rule the empire

Why did coloured hair lady have to stay on the ship if she was just gonna drive it in a straight line

Don't they have droids for this? Even Tesla has autopilot

Why couldn’t the Star destroyers just go a bit faster and destroy the rebel forces

At the beginning of the movie they’re bombing a base from space

At the end they drop a whole bunch of troops to the surface

Why can’t they just bomb that base from space

Where did the crystal critters go

Why are porgs

If you can lightspeed and destroy a ship as big as Snoke’s then why isn’t that the primary weapon of both sides

Why did the bombs fall

Isn’t there no gravity in space

Why didn’t coloured hair lady tell Poe her plan

Why does Rose intercept Finn when he goes to destroy the battering ram

Why does the battering ram need to be on the ground

If there’s only one way in or out how did the troops get in the trenches

Why was half the movie completely inconsequential

Who is Phasma

Why is Phasma

When the bay blew up when Finn and Rose were being executed, Phasma is standing over them. In the next scene she’s marching toward them from five hundred feet away. How?

What changed Luke’s mind

What character traits do Finn, Rose, or Rey have?

Why at the end is Poe against risky suicide runs but at the start he’s for it? There’s no reason for him to have changed his perspective on military strategy

Why is the purple hair lady so willing to just shoot her own troops when there’s a mutiny

Couldn’t she just explain her plan

Where did the crystal critters go

Why couldn’t Kylo sense Luke’s astral projection

Why could Luke astral project

When Luke’s astral projection disappeared why did the astrally projected dice stick around

If Luke knew his astral projection would fail and disappear why did he give Leia Han’s dice? Isn’t this kind of a dick move

How did he hug Leia

Where did the crystal critters go

Why was Rey convinced Kylo had gone completely dark side when that’s clearly not the case

Is she an idiot

What’s her motivation

What does Chewbacca do for those hours he’s at the island with Luke

Why does Yoda show up and make the movie even worse

Why is there a scene where Chewbacca won’t eat Porg

Does he become a vegetarian

Is that the message along with the bit about horse racing being bad

Is this Star Wars movie about animal cruelty and arms dealing

Why have the hacker character if he’s just gonna betray them

Why have him have an annoying lisp

Why are the rebels only being traced by one star destroyer

There’s no reason more than one couldn’t trace them

Why did nothing of consequence change

Why does Rey never take meaningful action of her own accord

How did she get back onto the millennium falcon

How much of a ship needs to be bombed in order for it to blow up

Why did Leia space walk

WHY DID LEIA SPACE WALK

If Snoke is smart enough to link Rey and Kylo via the force and monitor that why is he not smart enough to monitor something happening right next to him

If Snoke really did die because of his hubris how were we supposed to know that was a character trait of his? We only knew him for three scenes, and the only person who calls him arrogant is Luke Skywalker, who is a known liar throughout the rest of the film

Why did Finn park the ship on a beach which was clearly against the law thus compromising the entire mission

It’s not like it was a simple in-out job

There were a lot of unknown variables to consider

Also the beach was a long way from that casino

But it wasn’t hidden or anything

It made no sense

Where did the crystal critters go

What did Chewbacca eat if not Porg

Why did Luke keep alien slaves

Why did Rose say it felt good to destroy rich people’s stuff

Whose side are the rebels on

Are they anarchists

Are the people on that planet part of the rebels or the first order

Who determines rule of law

What are the rebels fighting for if people have jobs on that planet

Why does Kylo Ren even go down to the space battle on red-Hoth anyway

Wouldn’t he assess the situation from far away

Also why is he in the same small ship as his 2IC

Isn’t there a significant possibility it would get blown up

Then what will the First Order do

Will they have an election

If Rey is just nobody how come she’s great with her lightsaber

Also how long does that space chase go for

Because we know Rey and Kylo are on the same timeline cause they communicate

But several days pass on the island planet

Are days really short on that planet

Did the chase go forever

Why did it go forever

WHYYYY

WHO WROTE THIS AWFUL MOVIE

Jonathan O'BrienComment